Coaching: Coaching

Unlocking Your Mindtraps:

Berger, J. G. (2019). Unlocking leadership mindtraps: How to thrive in complexity. Stanford University Press

In her book, Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps: How to Thrive in Complexity, Jennifer Berger introduces 5 mindtraps that can serve as obstacles in our lives. As your coach, we take a deep dive to explore where these mindtraps might be showing in your life and explore how you can navigate them. These mindtraps are:

1. Simple stories: we tend to have many thoughts about neutral facts. For example, my boss does not answer my email on time, he must be upset with me (not that he is busy, or thinking about what I asked, or looking into it, etc). Or, my husband does not buy me flowers for valentine’s day, then that means he does not love me! We tend to assign meaning and make up stories that are based on, let us face, nothing substantial. Exploring this mindtrap is of the utmost importance. It is helpful to ask, is the story I am making true? What are other alternative scenarios? Can they both be equally true? If so, why am I choosing the story that does not serve me?

2. Rightness: Just because you feel you are right, that does not mean you are. Let us face it, the other person also thinks they are right. Ask yourself, how can I be wrong? Listen to learn the other person’s point of view not to prove them wrong and “win”.

3. Agreement: We tend to think that if others do not agree with us, then there is a problem. But what if disagreement serves to move us forward? To explore new ideas? To find new solutions.

4. Control: trying to always be in control takes away your influence. It also assumes that others can’t get the job done right or that you can do it better. What is the worst that can happen if you let go of control?

5. Ego: if you are focused on your ego and who you are now, you are not focused on who you can become in the future.

Exploring mindtraps is helpful for most clients, as we all fall into these traps at one point or another. Bringing awareness to them, help us examine our thoughts and assumptions. For example, many of us fall in the traps of simple story. I know I do. Just recently, I had a colleagues refuse my invitation to meet for a focus group. I quickly made it mean that she did not believe in my project and did not support it. After 30 minutes, she reached out to find a more mutual time to meet! I had jumped to assumptions and conclusions way too fast. I created a simple story!

One of the limitations of this tool is our own willingness to recognize these mindtraps and to take ownership of them. If we are in "victim mentality" where we blame others and outside circumstances when things do not go our way, we might find it difficult to recognize these mindtraps. But if we functional in emotional adulthood, where we feel empowered and in change of our lives, we will find it easier to recognize and even avoid some of our mindtraps.

Immunity Map

The Immunity to Change Map, was introduced by Robert Kegan in his book Immunity to Change and it is a very useful tool to bring awareness to our unintentional thoughts. We can all set amazing goals, but we do not always follow through and achieve them. You may want to lose 10 lbs, or create an inclusive culture, or write a book! What goals have you set recently? Have you achieved these goals? If not, have you wondered why not? The immunity map is a tool that uncovers the competing commitments and big assumptions that stand in the way and prevent us from achieving these goals we seem to so desperately want to achieve. The immunity map can help you become aware of the unconscious beliefs that you may hold. This way, we can move forward and start challenging these limiting beliefs and explore whether they are serving you or not. We can then start exploring what you want to believe on purpose! What beliefs will actually serve you?

Here is an example of how I used the immunity map in my professional and personal life: I have been committed to focusing my career path on education and physician wellness/coaching. However, I have agreed to lead papers and projects that are not inline with my vision. I have agreed to be on committees that do not serve my bigger vision. I realized that my hidden commitment was to have a "successful" academic career and to have good relationships with those in my field. My big assumptions were that if I turn down projects, others might not like me or respect me. I also realized that I had a big assumption that to be successful in academic medicine, one must have research focused paper. Realizing my assumptions and saying them outload helped me reframe some of my thoughts and beliefs.

This tool is helpful for clients who feel that they are committed to make certain changes, but feel stuck or feel that their actions are not supporting their commitment.

This tool is limited by how honest we are welling to be with ourselves about our hidden commitment and our assumptions and by how much we dig deeper to reveal these commitment and assumptions. This tool will not be helpful if we do not have a specific goal or change we want to achieve.

Kegan, R., & Lahey, L. L. (2009). Immunity to change: How to overcome it and unlock the potential in yourself and your organization. Harvard Business School Publishing.

Mental Model Reframe:

This is one of my favorite exercises. As you can tell by the two tools listed above (mindtraps and immunity to change), I focus on helping my clients gain awareness of their thoughts and beliefs and to recognize when these thoughts are not serving them.

I believe that we all have core mental models that have contributed in some positive way to who we are today. However, these mental models may also have negative impact on our lives. This tool is helpful for clients who have mental models that serve them in some ways, but that can also have negative implications, such as creating perfectionist tendencies, fear of trying new things due to fear of failure, difficulty delegating or trusting others, etc.

The mental model reframe exercise is helpful in multiple ways. First it allows me as the coach, and allows you as the client to have better insight and understanding of why you feel and act in certain ways. For example, if a core mental model is “I must be perfect,” you might have a fear of failure and a fear of trying new things because that would put you in a vulnerable situation. Thus, I view the first step of rating how frequently we use some mental models as an assessment tool that help us gain insight into our beliefs.

Second, working to reframe some of these mental models helps you keep the aspects of the thought process that help you, but reframe the aspects that are resulting in negative impact in your life.

For example, I used to believe “I must never give up.” While this thought helped me get through medical school and the 80 hours work weeks of residency and fellowships, it also keeps me stuck in projects or roles that I do not enjoy and do not move me forward. Thus, my reframe is “I must never give up, as long as the task brings me joy and is in line with my why”. Now, when I am facing a situation where I feel that I want to give up, I ask myself, is it serving my "why"? Is it bringing me joy? If the answer is no, the decision to “shift directions” is easy.

I recently had a client tell me that "We all need to be in agreement to move forward". We paused and explored the mindtrap of agreement (see above) and explored this mental model and how it was helpful or not helpful as he navigate organizational changes. We were able to reframe his mental model to one that served his goals.

This tool can be used with any thought that you have, and I also have a work sheet of some common mental models that many of us share.

This tool is only helpful if there are in fact negative aspects to our thinking. If a mental model is only beneficial, reframing is not necessary.

APA (6th ed.) Schein, E. H. (1999). Process consultation revisited: Building the helping relationship. Reading, Mass: Addison-Wesley.

Three Good Things:

It is easy for our brains to focus on the negative (automatic negative thoughts) and dismiss any positives about ourselves, our days or our job. This negative bias might have had some evolutionary benefit in the past, but it no longer serves us. The three good thing exercise is one used in positive psychology coaching. We can use this practice daily where we write down three good things about the subject we are discussing. It is a good reminder to give equal air time to the positive things as our brains naturally gives to the negative things. For example, while it is easy for my brain to complain about my job, I need to be intentional on writing down the positive things about my job and on reflecting on them. This way, I am aware of the positive and the negatives and I am taking the time to reflect on the positives as well.

This tool could be very helpful for clients with automatic negative thoughts and for those of us with cognitive distortion like all or none thinking (my husband NEVER helps; my boss ALWAYS yells), fortune telling, (this will for sure fail), or catastrophizing (if I fail this test, my career is over).

I anticipate that this tool might be met with some resistant from clients who do not easily recognize their accomplishments and achievements. Some may find owning the “good” difficult and they might attribute success to luck, or other external circumstances. Additionally, some may fear that this is meant to create "toxic positivity." But let me reassure you, this is only meant to help your brain see the existing positive just as easily as it sees the negative.

This method was created by psychologist Martin Seligman: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/psychological-practices/three-good-things

The Model:

Brooke Castillo introduced the model based on the collective work of many though leaders. The model has 5 components, CTFAR:

Circumstances (C): These are the facts that everyone in the world would agree on. For example, the temperature outside is 72 degrees (not that it is nice outside, that is a thought!).
Thoughts (T): These are the thoughts we chose to have either intentionally or unintentionally about the circumstances in our lives.
Feelings (F): Our feelings are driven by the thoughts we chose to have. The same neutral circumstances can result in different feelings based on the thoughts we chose to have. For example, two people might get the same assignment, and one thinks "this is new and exciting" and thus feels excitement and motivation to start the assignment, while the other person might think "this is new and scary, what if I fail!" and they feel fear and dread.
Actions (A): This is what we do or do not do. This is driven by the feelings we have. sticking with the example above, actions we take from excitement is very different from actions we take (or do not take) from a place of fear and dread.
Results (R): What we get because of the actions we take. It is usually a prove of our initial thought!

Click here to learn more about the model and for a step by step worksheet to apply it.

www.thelifecoachschool.com

The Power of the Amygdala:

The amygdala is part of the limbic system, which controls our fight or flight response. When we are faced with something that we perceive as a threat, the primitive part of our brain takes over and the more evolved logical brain (prefrontal cortex) takes a backseat. We behave impulsively and without the input of our prefrontal cortex.

One of my favorite quotes talks about the space between the stimulus and response and how within that space is our power. If we do not utilize that space, our actions are driven by our primitive brain that tries to "protect" us from threat. However, when we utilize that space after a stimulus, we take back the power. We use our prefrontal cortex and make logical decisions. Understanding this, can help you realize that you are not under attack and that you can keep your prefrontal cortex in charge.

For example, you get an email from a team member asking you to work on the weekend. Your primitive brain might perceive this as a threat to your autonomy or to your day off. If you do not utilize the space between the stimulus (the email) and your response, you will be letting your primitive brain take the driver seat. You might send an angry email, or become passive aggressive, or accept the assignment with resentment. However, if you utilize the space and use your prefrontal cortex, it can help you problem solve. It can help you come up with a productive response.

Rogers, Jenny (2016, first published in 2004). Coaching Skills: The Definitive Guide to Being a Coach (4th ed.) Berkshire, England: Open University Press, McGraw-Hill.

Trust Equation:

Creditability (C)+ Reliability (R)+ Intimacy (I) / Self Orientation (SO)

C: Expertise and training
R: Create opportunities to show reliability
I: Create emotional safety/Hold space with no judgment
SO: Be aware of self-interest/ do not have your own agenda

The Trust Equation, introduced in the Trusted Advisor, is the cornerstone of how I build relationships with all of my clients. I find that being intentional about the relationships we want helps us create authentic and trusting connections. My favorite part of the equation is the intimacy factor. I believe that one of the most powerful aspects of coaching is holding space without judgment.

I also use this equation to help my clients build trusting relationships with colleagues, family and friends. I believe that it is applicable to all people and all situations.

It is helpful to think about the limitations of this equation and to use it with these in mind. One of the limitation might be how can one demonstrate low self interest. We are all humans, and it is evolutionary beneficial to have high self interest. Additionally, we can only control our actions, but not how others perceive it. So, while we might think we are acting with low self interest, others might interpret it differently. In my relationships with my clients, I work to minimize self interest by keeping the focus on the client and their needs. I try to not have my own agenda and to let the client be in charge of their goals.

Maister, D.H., Green C.H, & Galford, R.M. (2021). The Trusted Advisor. New York: Free Press.

Listening and Humble Inquiry:

This is one of my favorite resources and I share it with my clients often. I utilize humble inquiry in my interactions with my clients, colleagues and family. One of the important skills the book teaches is listening. Listening is essential to “earn the right” to comment on the someone's issues. Sometimes we get so busy planning what we want to say or how we want to respond. This book serves as a good reminder to take the time to truly listen. Listening without judgment (holding space) is a sign of respect. One of my priorities with my clients is being present and to listen to learn not listen to win.

In coaching, and in life in general, humble inquiry is much more powerful than telling. Telling puts the other person down; It assumes the other person does not know but should. The beauty about coaching is that we start our conversations with the assumption of sociological equity. As a coach, I whole heartedly believe that my clients has all the answers. My job is to ask powerful curious questions to help them unlock the answers from within.

Schein, E.H., Schein. P. A. (2021). Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, Second Edition. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.